Fingers crossed
Crossed fingers
Lost tongue circle spirals in a drying mouth
Flutters
Mutters to self
Manage to find a side room that is quiet
I mistake the anxiety riot in my stomach for hunger
Adrenaline isn’t enough to sustain me
Peel back the skin
Wrap fingers around the flesh of soft yellow
Swallow
Breathe
Run fingers down forearm
Feel the goosebumps and sweaty palms
I sweat a lot
Trace the scar down the back of wrist
Hands are weirdly forgiving


Held tight by control pants and an industrial sports bra
A black second scaffolding skin of lycra
Hold it all in
Looking for the wrinkles that stay
Smooth the grooves, remember the lines
Everything needs to be lines
lined up with the door else I feel disorientated



Digits dive into dark tunneled sleeves,
The nervousness unfurls into command
full bloom …
Fingertips feel round the back
tie up the gown
A reinforced cuff of the neck
Someone else ties up knots behind
The constriction reassures me
I won’t fall out
My back protected from exposure
Double knot scuffs against my skin
Numb fingers, touch thin, miss this
But you don't see me till I’m ready



I run for a last minute wee
There is always a last minute wee
We pace, my body and me, we
Pull up sleeves
Push the wall
Push the fear back
Stall the imposter
Fall back
Attempt to sit into my body,
Ground and group limbs together
Prevent them from running
No one forced our hand
Breathe deep


Stomach flips
Teeter on the edge
Heels cling to the back step
Toes grasping
Toes gasping
Accelerate of acid heart rate
Beat, beat, beat
quickening metronome
Crescendo heat radiates from beneath the bones
Pulse in fingers, red up my arms
Thumbs up
Like I’m coming up
Red neck red breast red breath
Lungs pinch and cry out sigh
Momentarily self rising and watching on from high
The inhales shake
The exhales rattle and quake
Catch breath
Cresting the wave of an orgasm
Heart beat hard heat head butting the walls of my ribcage
The ribs are too small to encompass the breath I must harness
The first line always shakes me


The danger
The risk to see if I can do this
Sore thumb stuck out suck down
Ignore the alarms,
Reading them is easy
Ignoring them is the pro move


May I start?
Caught word in throat, cough it out
Hypersalivation
Dry mouth salvation
Spit
Spit it out then
How far would you sink if I left you asleep in the sand?


Hollow space held, the breath has left
a religious epiphany
Breathless
Two fingers tight before anyone can breathe out again
Check it holds
Hold breath between stitches
Check it holds
Skin itches with electricity
Deep lines of worry punctured with oxytocin
Pat back, clap hands, clap back
I hope I’ve done enough
Crossed fingers
Reassurance teeters on the edge
hand in hand with insecurity
Tugging on the ends
Fingers burned
There is no applause
Applaud the artistry
Quite a feat
Neat wounds stitched tunes back in
A desirable dexterity
Worked fingers to bone
Silence accompanies the descent back home
And I’m alone again


We’re not homunculi
A little human inside a brain driving meat
We are a lived in body
We are cognition and intuition
We are ambition,
Thinking, Feeling, surging and bleeding
We are difficulty in defining,
Elusive and explorable
we can’t fully quantify it
We are description defying
But we’re trying.